Tuesday, May 21, 2013

When You See My Face, I Hope It Gives You Hell

Please excuse this seemingly random interruption of our regularly scheduled blogging program of penises, fat girls working on their fitness, and hot mess express stories.  This is a public service announcement directed at one particular person, and if you think it's you, it probably is.

I hope you realize that every time you click through my little slice of the internet, I see it.  And your multiple visits spread over more than one day are not going unnoticed.


I particularly love that Google search.  "the real nancy clue and her big psycho bitch stories"  Very appropro.  Let me just say, it takes a psycho bitch to know one.

Stalking out my social media, whether it be my blog, Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, or Instagram, is not "research."  As you have undoubtedly read, I have not reverted to my "old blog ways," nor do I plan on it. Sure, I may mention certain dirty deeds done in the backseat of my car, but that's my present.  Every day when I buckle my child in, it is a slap in the face reminder of my former life in which you pretended to be my friend and stole my husband out from under my nose.  I'm also painfully aware that if it wasn't you, it would have been one of the other chicks he was banging over the course of our marriage.  If you believe him when he says that there weren't others, then you're an idiot.  If you believe him when he says that your relationship is different, that he's more in love with you than any of his previous three wives or countless mistresses, then you're really an idiot.  The pattern of infidelity is well established and spans over two decades.  You will be no different than the rest of us.

I have reached out to you privately and it is akin to banging my head against a brick wall.  Maybe this public shaming will do the trick?  Stranger things have happened.

And you may have unfriended me back when you were committing adultery with my ex-husband, but I blocked the both of you first.  I can't help the fact that you have a mole amongst your thousands of "friends" who likes to forward me the asinine things that you post.

Oh, Condescending Wonka...

Clearly you are so mature and above the petty and childish drama, as you continue to perpetuate it by peppering in passive aggressiveness in between your fake piety Jesus shit and laughable attempts at talking about karma.  And then you check up on me, incorrectly assume that I'm referencing you, and the cycle continues.



You get your validation in the form of an "amen" or "atta girl"  from those who have only heard your side of the story, but they don't know that you're on the stalker crazy train, now do they?  They don't realize that you're doing exactly what you accuse me of doing.



Can I ask you a question?  If you were truly at peace with the fact that your current relationship started as the product of an affair while the two of you were married, then I still don't understand how my "old blog ways" offended you?  And why do you continue to stalk my shit?  Okay, that was two questions, but humor a bitch.

I've never pretended to be anything that I'm not.  I have been up front about being an attention whore, which is why I continued to blog here at this address after you discovered it, because I had worked too hard to establish a reader base here.  I did not want to have to start over from scratch because I'm a selfish bitch.  I don't hide behind a facade built with bullshit bricks.  What you see is what you get with me, but you... "you smile in my face, then rip the brakes out my car."  Or maybe you just send a fake half-assed attempt at an apology three years late, only to spin around and let your bitchy pot-stirring self shine through.  You can't leave well enough alone.

I'm only bringing this up in an attempt to shut you up.  But I've had enough experience in dealing with you to know that you will always try and get the last word.  Maybe you'll ask for prayers for me, like you did last summer when you discovered the animal that is Nancy Clue, the blog where your identity was kept anonymous, but you gladly blasted out my name publicly on Facebook.

Yes, that was clearly penned with the best of intentions.  No passive aggressive bullshit here.


Or maybe you'll post something absurd about practicing what you preach and following the Golden Rule, kinda like the day after you pulled off some adultery in the back of my car with my (now ex-)husband.  Do you really want others to do unto you in that manner?  I mean, really?  And you worry about everyone else's karma...

Or maybe you'll take pot shots at my weight and choice to rock a "big girl/old lady skirted tankini" at the pool.  At least I know how to dress appropriately for my age and body type.

Or maybe you'll call me a hater, or a stalker, or a loser, like you have done on countless occasions.  Or maybe you'll just do the norm and post lame memes and claim to take the high road.

Lest I remind you...


This is me calling you out on your bullshit.  It's not me stalking you, or harassing you, or hating on you, or being jealous of your life.  You clearly love the attention.  If you didn't, you'd keep your mouth shut.  But you can't help yourself, can you?


I've told you privately, and now I'm telling you publicly, get off my internets.  Stop checking up on me via social media, as I have stopped doing that to you.

And for all of your passive aggressive public digs about how pathetic it is to live in the past, let me just point out that I'm not the one with a Facebook profile picture that is outdated by three years.  You're not fooling anyone, toots.

Deuces, bitch.

PS - Harriet has access to this same technology on her blog and she says, "I see youuuuuu."

Monday, May 20, 2013

This is my Sexual Revolution

Why not start your Monday off with a little talk about vibrators?  Because that's just how I roll.

So last night, after swimming with my daughter and niece all weekend (nothing like swimming laps with a 70+ pound kiddo hooked to your back), I flipped on Bravo for a little mindless entertainment.  I've always been a fan of the Real Housewives series (holla at my OC and Jersey MILFs and prostitution whores), but in the past few weeks I've found a new trainwreck obsession: Married to Medicine.  For those of you with a little more high brow TV tastes, it follows the lives of four doctor's wives and two female OB/GYN doctors in Atlanta, Georgia.  Catty drama through the roof.

I love it.

One of the doctors started a medical spa on the side of her practice and was also starting up a website dedicated to the vagina.  I guess if you're elbow deep in them all day, every day.... you might as well continue to capitalize on them in your off duty hours.

She plugged a particular vibrator on air called the Intensity, and being a good little consumer, I immediately googled it.  True, a little ridiculous to spend $180 on something that you put in your vag and will eventually start to smell like Pike Place Fish Market, but it's functional as well as pleasurable.  It emits electrical stimulation to contract your pelvic floor muscles... and for any lady who's squeezed out a bundle of joy out of her hoo-ha, you know the terror of allergies and sneezing more than two times in a row.  So if I can get my rocks off AND pass it off as "exercise," sign my vagina up.

Go {HERE} to watch an instructional YouTube video on how to use it.  You know, insert Tab A into Slot Vagina.

Considering I've had the same vibrator since I was the tender age of 18 (it was the birthday present to myself that kept on giving), I figure it's time for an upgrade.  And if an added bonus is not pissing myself after a particularly violent coughing fit, so be it.

Because my basic little purple vibrator and I have been through a lot in our 12 years together... From ripping open the package and trying it out on the drive home from the porno store (I'm a little impatient) to countless dry spells and break ups, as well as the clueless dudes who couldn't ever get me there, we've become old friends.

I replaced the batteries last night for the first time in a long time since it's been getting a little more action lately due to the fact that Bahama Boy lives, you know, in the Bahamas. And, holy shitballs, I about hit the roof.

Clearly there needs to be a campaign to remind us ladies to change our batteries at a more frequent interval.  And depending on how often you utilize your battery-operated "friend," then maybe you can get away with setting your clocks back, changing your smoke detector batteries, as well as your vibrator batteries.  Or maybe a monthly reminder, like every time you do a self-breast exam, swap out the batteries.  Or every time you shower.  Who am I to judge how often you lock the door and have a little buzz-buzz time thinking about a shirtless Ryan Reynolds?

Because, DAMN.

So if you love me, and are struggling with birthday present ideas coughBahamaBoycough I'll be more than excited to accept this as a 30th birthday gift.  Or, you know, any other holiday between now and then.  I hear the new rage is to gift sex toys for Memorial Day.  

Thursday, May 16, 2013

MILF in Progress: Better Late Than Never?

Yeahhhh... It's been a minute since I've linked up with my homies Alex and Erin.  You know, life gets in the way.  Nursing school on top of single parenting... as well as sending Bahama Boy enough naked pictures to keep his penis on lockdown are kind of all consuming.

Good news is I fucked nursing school in the ass this semester and was rewarded with all A's.


This summer I'm taking Community Health, which I'm nerdily excited about.  And in the fall I will have my OB/GYN rotation, where I'll hopefully get to help birth some babies, but will definitely get to see more vaginas than a Girls Gone Wild DVD.  I'll also spend time on Med-Surg and take a couple of nursing theory classes.  Oh yeah, and I'm also retaking that stupid creative writing class I failed last year.  Time to show that lady who's boss.

On the weight loss and MILF by 30 front, I have hit Plateausville and this place is a BITCH.  I cannot seem to bust any lower than 215, which I hit back in mid-March when Bahama Boy came to visit.  But then I ate carbs like they were the only way to get into heaven while he was visiting and packed nearly 10 pounds back on.  In a week!  Why the hell is it so much easier to put ON the weight as it is to get that shit off?  Since then I've been waffling between 216-220 and it's really starting to piss me off.  

So I needed a little perspective...  Because dropping right around 30 pounds is no small feat, no matter how much further I have to go.

I started digging for some older photos from a heavier weight... Which was damn near impossible because when you're fat, and you're painfully aware of it, you tend to shy away from the camera.  Or pull the hide-behind-my-kid pose.

Which I have clearly perfected over the years.

August 2009


March 2010

July 2011

November 2011

November 2012
Relatively impossible to find a full length body shot of me at 245 pounds that wasn't rocking a huge pregnant belly (the only time I allowed myself to be photographed at that weight apparently).

So I had to settle for an in-progress head shot as a progress motivator.

Approximately a 30 lb difference

Sorry to my lovely besties that I had to crop out of each these pictures.

In other watch me shrink news, I am officially out of size 18 and into a 16.  While perusing the clearance racks at Old Navy last week, I decided to try on jeans to see what fit, as my 18's have been saggy diaper butt status for quite a long time.  I had been putting off trying on any smaller sizes in case my fat ass had stretched my 18's beyond belief and they were falling off my hips and ass because they were akin to a 24 or something.

But the 16's fit!

So I decided to try a 14 and see how much more progress needed to be made... because that's what size I rocked my junior and senior years of high school.  I was a solid 14 long at Old Navy.

I could get them over my ass, which I find amazing, but can't quite button them.  Yet.


Say hello to my deep cavernous belly button.  Sexy, huh?

Like I've said before... progress, not perfection.  I am seeing improvements in my cardio, as I can run longer distances (at super slow speeds, but we can't all be Flo Jo's overnight).  My dad also hooked me up with some of his weight lifting swag that had been collecting dust in the shed.  I'll write some more on that here in the next few days, as I want to test drive it first.
button
You can also look forward to some rambly word vomit on my first "long run" ever attempted.  It was quite the experience and I am interested to watch myself progress over the summer.  I've made it a goal to run that same route once a week this summer.

My 30th birthday is 94 days away... so it's safe to say that I won't be at my ultimate goal weight of 170 lbs, but maybe I could get into a size 14 just like the good old days of high school, when Bahama Boy used to sit behind me in calculus class and stare at my ass.

Because I wouldn't mind looking like this again... Even if I felt like a whale that day next to my super skinny college roommate and volleyball teammates.  If I remember correctly, I was wearing a large tank top from The Gap, an XL stretchy miniskirt from Express, and was a 36C up top.

West Palm Beach, Florida
Until next time, bitches...

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Car pulls up, who can it be? It's a fresh El Camino rollin' Kilo G

button
If you can't sing the song, we are no longer friends.  I just can't...

Okay... just a quickie.

I cannot not link up with Jake and Holly.

Finals Week be damned.

Just one more test and I'm free for two entire weeks!  I can do this damn thing.

  1. Unlike my siblings (that I love very much)... I am comfortable pooping while on the telephone.
  2. My best friend says... "Be brave, little soldier" when I call her in a panic over my First World Problems.
  3. People call me... Fat Lindsey (I'm the yang to Skinny Meg's yin).  Okay, maybe just Sarah calls me this.  
  4. I most often dream... about selling a kidney to pay off my student loans.
  5. The best part of my day... is the running hug I get from my jellybean when she gets off the school bus.
  6. I really don't understand... ombre hair color.  There, I said it.  
  7. I get really annoyed... when my pooping time gets interrupted.  The door is locked for a reason!  Ain't nobody got time for skidmarks.
  8. There's nothing like a... nice, hard P in my V.  Yeah, I went there.  T-minus 50 days until Bahama Boy arrives!
  9. Lately, I can't get enough... sleep.  Fuck you, Finals Week.
  10. One thing I am NOT is... on time.  Ever.  If you need me to be somewhere on time, lie to me and tell me I have to be there 30 minutes earlier than necessary.
  11. I spent too much money on... the 2009 Toyota Camry that my ex-husband went all Car RamRod in with his skankalicious side dish while we were married.  Selling it to the highest bidder... just don't shine a black light in the back seat.  No telling what Lewinsky-style stains you might find.
  12. I want to learn... MMA.  Those chicks are so badass.  And then I think about someone making me bleed... Fuck that.  Spanish.  Yeah, Spanish would be better.
  13. If I ever met Tom Selleck, I would... ask him for a mustache ride.
  14. I can't stop... singing "Thrift Shop" the rest of the day if I hear it on the radio.  "The built-in onesie with the socks on the motherfucker."  
    "I look incredible. "
    That would be me on the left, my sister in the middle, and my cousin on the right
  15. Never have I ever... been able to play that game with any success.  I had to resort to playing, "Don't judge me, but..."  #slutproblems
  16. Reese Witherspoon... perfected the Bend and Snap.  She can do no wrong.

Monday, May 6, 2013

Who Run This Mother?

Ohhhhh shit... It's Finals Week, bitches!  And this is how I feel about it...


At least I'm smiling.  Oh, why is that?  Because I have all A's going into Finals Week.  So as long as I don't completely fuck off, I'm coasting for a few more days.  

But yet, here I am fucking off on Nancy Clue and not studying my antibiotics for my pharmacology final.  I just needed to jot a few things down before the feelings pass.

For one, I got to see my favorite bitch with cancer on Saturday night.  In case you've been living under a rock for the past couple of months (or kicking ass and taking names in nursing school like moi), maybe you don't know my awesome friend, Sarah, who is blogging her cancer-fighting journey over at Blonde to Bald.  She texts me at 9:30 PM... I am still in my crusty workout clothes, complete in my Hello Kitty Brady Band, and contemplating cracking my books or possibly rubbing one out and falling asleep (thinking of my Bahama Boy, naturally).  

Basically it went down kinda like this...

Sarah: "I'm in town!  Come drink with me!"

Me: "I'm in bed.  And I haven't showered all day."

Sarah: "Bitch, I have cancer.  Get your ass out here."

I've learned that you can't tell that girl no.  She plays the Cancer Card every damn time (as she should).  You know you'd do it too.  

So I told myself that I'd be the responsible nursing student and have ONE BEER.. and then go home and study more.  

But between talking about the epic collapse of my trainwreck marriage (Sarah's husband wasn't privy to the whole story, complete with dirty and sordid details) and listening to Steel Panther's "The Shocker" (yes, it's a song about EXACTLY what you think it's about)... and then Sarah and Jason forcing me to watch disgusting cyst extraction videos, while I scream like bitch and try to avert my eyes... only I can't because Jason has his hand on my neck and is holding me hostage.  And because I can't stomach watching a cyst the size of a motherfucking grapefruit get lanced, they chastise me loudly, "And you're going to be a nurse?!  How do you feel about being a teacher?  It's not too late!  What the hell kind of nurse are you going to be?!"

... the kind that barfs all over that dude's back because, damn, that shit is fucking nasty.

So between all of that.... before I knew it, I had drank three beers and it was last call.

Oops.


Needless to say, I did not get up and run off my three beers Sunday morning.  I did go eat some wings at Hooters though.  So there's that.

Inner Fat Girl won.  

But then Monday happened.  And my Fit-Girl-in-the-making kicked some serious ass.  First off, I rocked a solid B+ performance on my Health Assessment final.  I'll take it because I crammed that shit into my brain at the last possible second  (sorry I'm not sorry... I've been too worried about pharmacology at this point).

Last weekend I had taken some new workout compression capris out for a test-jog through the neighborhood... and I wasn't sold on them.  They rode down from my waist, down to my hips, totally under my kangaroo mom pouch... which just isn't ready to freeball yet.  I was really bummed that they didn't have a drawstring so I could keep that shit on lockdown.

I lament my woes to Sarah, who informs me that it's best to size down for the tight compression pants... Basically like running in Spanx.  

So I bought my first pair of LARGE pants since, um, high school?  Middle school?  A long fucking time if anyone's keeping score at home.  For a girl who has rocked either an X or XX in front of that L, I was pretty stoked.

Until I put them on..... and my XL ass stretched the material out so far that you could see the stripes of my granny panties.  Yes, rocking the granny panties today because Aunt Flo is in town and my asshole is so tore up from those Hooters Wings.  You can't rock a thong in those conditions... trust me.  

So basically the consequence of sizing down before your ass is ready is see-through pants.  But it was nearly dark outside... and my shirt was fairly long.  Eh.. fuck it.  

And my pants rocked my fatass off.  I was able to FINALLY run the 2-mile loop all the way through without stopping.  Was it fast?  Not at all.  Do I give a shit?  Of course not.

I finally did it.

And I did it while rapping Nicki Minaj.  Out loud.  While running!

No one was around... and even if they were, I don't care!  My legs finally felt amazing.  I wasn't gasping for breath.  I felt good, no... I felt motherfucking amazeballs.  

I tasted the elusive Runner's High for the first time.  

And then I came home and made Jillian my pussy-licking lesbian biatch (Level 3 baby) then busted out some squats, pushups, Russian twists, sit-ups, God-awful burpees, and a 1:15 plank.  

I'm still coming down from my exercise endorphins, which explains why it's laaaate and I'm not even phased.  I think I might be hooked.  I kind of want to call my cross country running ex-boyfriend and tell him, "Remember that 2 mile route you gave me back when I was 17?  Well I just fucking did it!"

Only took me 12 goddamn years, but better late than never, right?

Monday, April 29, 2013

It's a blacked out blur, but I'm pretty sure it ruled

Time to cross another item off my bucket list!

This past weekend, I ran my very first 5k.  Ever.  And I didn't die.

Or shit my pants.  Or vom.

Two weeks ago, at My Cancer Friend's head-shaving party, we might've been drunk off our asses a little tipsy and decided to run a 5k for the Gardner Cancer Foundation.  It's a local organization that raises money for individuals and families who have been financially impacted by cancer.  

The next morning, I registered and paid online in a shit-or-get-off-the-pot moment.  I knew that if I waited until I went home, I'd chicken out and text Sarah with a million excuses as to why I wouldn't be available.  Clearly, I could feel myself coming down with some sort of weird jungle fever or the Ebola virus or some shit that would prevent me from fat girl wiggle jiggling for 3.1 miles.


In the two weeks in between registering and the actual 5k....  I ran a grand total of one time.  Because.... nursing school.  I'm in that last few days of the semester crunch and I just couldn't make time for it.  And I've got a big LICK MY CRACK to anyone who wants to challenge my time management skills.  Take a walk in my shoes and see if you can figure out how to pencil in workout time.  Actually, please do because I sure as hell can't figure it out.

My lack of running sure didn't stop me from a little Facebook and Instagram smack talking with Sarah.


What's a little friendly competition  with some chemo thrown in?

I even signed up Addy to run the 1 Mile Fun Run with Sarah's daughters, Addison and Ella.  Let's just say that Addy takes after her mama in the speed department.  But that's okay.  We can't all be Kenyans.


When we got home, Addy had a nuclear meltdown told me how she was disappointed that she didn't win and get a prize.  I mean, every kid got a water bottle, but only Sarah's studpuppy, Addison, won and claimed a grand prize of randomness from the dollar store.  I had to give the, "life is not fair" speech.  Just the way it is.  Participation trophies are for pussies.  Pat yourself on the back for getting out there in the 40 degree "spring" weather and rain, kiddo.  I know that I'm super proud of you!

Before I knew it, the time had arrived to line up for the 5k.  I was looking around at the people near me... I felt like a total poser.  What the fuck was I thinking?  Some of these folks looked like real runners.  And I looked like an asshole.  

Channeling our inner Kenyans


But then I cranked up my Spice Girls Pandora channel... and thought, "Fuck you guys."  I was proud of myself that I was putting myself out there.  So what if I come in last.  So what if I have to walk sometimes.  I was here.  It was a good cause.  I had my fabulous friend standing next to me jamming out to her Butt Grinding Club Jams channel.  I knew she was feeling rough this week and here she was.  I was damn proud of the both of us.

Truth.


That pre-race buzz of nervous excitement and energy that I have read about from so many other bloggers who are runners, I finally "got" it.  It is electric.  Even in the rain, blustery wind, and 40 degree temps.  

The race itself was... um, fun?  Just kidding.  It was neither fun nor torturous.  I didn't want to kill myself, but I don't think I could have gone any further (those fucking hills were no joke).

So what if a couple of kids whose nutsacks hadn't fully dropped yet smoked my ass?

So what if the lady pushing two toddlers in a double jogging stroller beat me by a mile?

So what if I couldn't hang with the old dude who was speed walking?

I beat the goal that Sarah and I set for our fatty out of shape old lady selves of 45 minutes.

I even let her win by a minute because, well, she does have cancer.  Plus it was her birthday weekend.  You're welcome, ladyfriend.

Rockstar!


I finished in 43:08.5, which was 40th out of 57 women.  Room for improvement, but everyone's got to start somewhere, right?

Chanting "just don't die"

Happy Monday, hookers.