Just a Little Prick

This whole learning to save lives things is really cramping my social life.  And by social life, I mean blogging with my internet friends because y'all know that I'm a single mother and my boyfriend (whoa, there's that B-word again) lives in another country so I'm not exactly hitting the bars anymore or doing anything that requires clothes beyond yoga pants.

Pretty much, yeah.

And I'm not complaining because I really enjoy nursing school.  Most of the time.  I think I'm only saying that because I got about 12 hours of sleep last night due to popping a few Tylenol PMs once I found out Addy's school was already canceled for today because it's the Snowpocalypse up in here.  

I know I am book smart.  I know I am capable of learning.  I know I am going to be one hell of a nurse.  

But someone get me an IV drip of Patron STAT if I don't make it through the next 22 months unscathed.  

Not even kidding.

Oh, the tests....  While the frequency is somewhat intimidating, it's more annoying than anything.  Yes, I understand you need to test our knowledge so we're not completely incompetent since we're liable to kill people, but I can take a test.  I'm one of those blessed "good test takers" and don't get nervous, flustered, or rattled too easily.  I take my time, eliminate any answers that clearly don't make sense, and go with my gut answer.  I never, ever, EVER go back and change an answer.  

But the thing about nursing school exams is the fucking gray area.  Usually every multiple choice answer is correct to some degree, and it's your job to choose the "most correct" answer.  Which is ridiculous because in the real world, you're typically doing all of the answers simultaneously rather than worrying what you should do first.  

Who else wants to add in the apostrophe to make this meme grammatically correct?

Plus, it's super annoying when your book tells you to do one thing, your lecture instructor tells you to do another thing, and your lab instructor tells you to do a third thing.  And all are answers to a question.  Let's all get on the same page... Can I get a hell yeah?

And, while we're on the topic of instructors, if you're kind enough to release a study guide, make it fucking relevant.  We're all short on time, but I want to whip out my Single Mother Card and say that my time is spread a little extra thin.  So when I spend an entire day ignoring my child meticulously filling out your study guide and then the exam covers everything that you neglected to include on said study guide... I guess that just shows me that I'll be better off left to my own studying devices than to waste precious time filling out vocab definitions.

No, you don't have to tell me everything that you're going to test me over, but I thought the purpose of a study guide was to help focus my studying on what you feel is truly important.  The meat and potatoes.  

Because when you include an item that says, "Be sure to review the components of the mental status examination" at the tail end of the study guide, like it's tacked on as an afterthought... like it's no big damn deal... And then 98% of the questions cover that one little statement... Well, I end up doing this:

For real, though.

I guess it's better to learn this "leave me to my own devices" studying tactic now rather than later.  

But the exams are not what I'm most concerned with... it's the technical skills of actually doing the nursing things.  Starting IVs, inserting catheters, changing wound dressings, giving someone a bath, changing adult diapers without getting shit everywhere... pretty much everything that you can't learn in a book, but have to actually do.

For example, yesterday in pharmacology lab, we all signed informed consent waivers to practice injections on each other.  We were learning intradermal injections.  If you've ever had allergy testing done or a TB test administered, that's what we were doing.  You insert a tiny needle just under the skin and push a tiny bit of fluid until a small little bubble forms under the skin (aptly named  a "bleb").  

Simple enough, right?

We practiced on hot dogs until we felt comfortable enough to poke each other.  I was a bleb-making fool with my hot dog.  I was feeling great about my intradermal skills.  My partner, who happens to also be around my age and always sits in the front row and is the class gunner/brown noser, went first and she did it with no problems.  We all cheered and she did a little happy dance.  Insert photo op.  

But when it was my turn, my angle was a little too steep and I ended up in her subcutaneous tissue.  No bleb for Nancy.  Womp, womp, womp.

Now I understand this was the first time that I've ever done this to a human being and I shouldn't expect perfection after a half a dozen pokes of a hot dog.  But it didn't make me feel any better that everyone else in my lab class was able to do it successfully.  I had to bite my lip hard and blink back tears of shame.  

There's no crying.  There's no crying in nursing school.

(At least not public crying.)

As a nontraditional student, I feel like there's more at stake for me... like I have more to prove... that I constantly have to outwardly justify why I'm here.  Clearly this is all self-imposed, but it's just where my head is at these days.  

So I cried the entire way home.  

And cursed myself the entire way because I was crying over something absolutely ridiculous of failing at the first attempt of trying something.  Because even in my sleep-deprived hypersensitive state, I knew that it was about the dumbest thing I could be upset about.  

Since this is my diary open for everyone to read, please spare me the encouraging words.  I'm not here for sympathy.  If your kneejerk reaction is to gloss over and leave me a little comment of, "Oh, don't be silly.  You're going to be great!"  Don't.  Just don't.  I'm in no mood for Peppy Polly Peptalk.

I'm going to put my foot down and say, unless you're a nurse, you really have no idea.  Sorry that I'm not sorry for saying that.  

I realize that this is just the beginning and I'm going to get good at all of these skills that are tripping me the fuck out.  Deep down, I know this.  But in this moment in time, I am scared and nervous and hate the fact that it is not coming natural to me.

What else can I do?  Go home and play with my wiener, of course.

Just a little prick.