And when I can, I squeeze in a Skype date with Bahama Boy, who is incredibly supportive and not needy of my constant attention. Because I dated the needy guy and being a full-time student and single mother isn't really conducive to that type of relationship. Bahama Boy gets it when I say, "I never want to be dependent on a man ever again in my life." He's not threatened by the selfish phase I'm currently going through, of getting all of my ducks in a row to make sure I can stand on my own two feet if the shit hits the fan.
He says, "I want you to be able to take care of yourself too. Just know you won't have to." I love that man, seriously.
But every day I'm struggling with am I doing enough, being enough, learning enough... I hate that the nursing school skills aspect is not coming naturally to me. It's not innate and I have to work so much harder at it, but I know in the end that means that I'll be even prouder that I made it.
Needless to say, I am struggling right now and, as a result, I am one grouchy bitch.
I treat this blog like my diary and, at times, use it for a venting ground for the pent up frustrations in my life. I don't need it to be fixed. I don't expect you, as a reader, to solve whatever problem is currently plaguing me. I'm not looking for sympathy. I just need to get it out sometimes.
Like earlier today when I needed to piss and moan about my nursing school frustrations. And when I say that I don't need a pep talk, that doesn't necessarily mean I'm open to the opposite end of the spectrum. I really don't appreciate getting kicked when I'm already feeling down. I just didn't want my legitimate feelings to get glossed over with false reassurances. I just needed to vent.
I know the comments were not meant maliciously. And I appreciate the texts and emails from the so-called offenders (who, by the way, are some of my favorite blogging buddies and do not have a single mean bone in their skinny little bodies). These folks are not haters, nor could anyone possibly be jealous of my pathetic life. These folks are awesome fucking people. All I'm saying is just think it through before you send it my way. Especially if I'm having a pity party.
So I decided to take a little break social media break. I'm not in the right mind right now to deal with anything that doesn't directly impact my day-to-day. I think this little mini breakdown (over stupid stuff, I'll give you that) is a sign that maybe I need to reel it back in. Dial down my attitude of letting it all hang out for a little bit until I'm in a better head space to deal with what comes back to me.
I may portray this internet persona of having a I-don't-give-a-fuck attitude, and for the most part, that's true. Just remember that even us bitches have feelings.